Would you like whipped cream with that?

Not to be outdone in the dessert wars, a New York restaurant has devised a new variety of hot chocolate which is, for now, the most expensive dessert ever. Naturally, it includes truffles. And top-grade cocoa, because apparently cocoa has grades. And, of course, gold flakes, to help prevent things like osteoporosis and opulence-deficiency.

A note to the restaurateurs concerning their claims of "edible gold": Just because you can fit something in your mouth, swallow it and not die, that doesn't make it "edible." Gold is gold; it isn't a matter of the gold being edible or not, it's a matter of convincing some jackass that eating gold isn't, you know, a horrible horrible idea. Not that you can't taste the gold flakes; you can totally taste the gold flakes. You will drink the gold-laced hot chocolate and remark, "Mmmm, goldy." At least, that's what you'll do with the first sip. Then, if it's like any other hot chocolate you've ever had, you'll burn your tongue and spend the rest of the day drinking a $25,000 cup of hot, brown water. With truffles.

And, also, if you want to drink something that isn't named like it came off of the Arby's value menu, you're going to have to spend a little more than 2.5% of a million dollars, because this diamond-encrusted goblet of delicious is called, wait for it, "The Frrrozen Haute Chocolate." That's right, certified delicious by hedge-fund managers, hip-hop also-rans, and Tony the tiger. If only it came with those little marshmallows...

The Golden Years

The other day I woke up and I felt an emptiness inside of me. I felt hollower than the bullet I used to take down the ultimate prey. Gold watch check, gold chain check, gold ice cream check, and then I saw this and I knew that happiness could once again re-enter my life. A gold calendar... it was as if someone had a window into my soul! Having a gold calendar that weighs in at 13.23 pounds of 24k gold and is worth $257,000 will pretty much guarantee that every moment is a golden one. Now - I only need someone to design a gold shredder so I can shred it before I throw it out. My only regret is that I missed last years calendar.

Pimp my shave

When the troglodytes decide to spiff-up their faces so as to not offend us with their unruly furriness, they drive their Kias to Wal-Mart, buy a razor and use it right out of the box. Those of us who are a bit more well-mannered know that something isn't worth owning if it can't be gratuitously accessorized. To wit: a new $150 handle for your razor. Now you don't have to suffer the humiliation of allowing your fingers to directly touch an object that costs a mere $12. As an added bonus, this handle supports a built-in headlight. Finally, an answer to the age-old dilemma: how to allow your servant to shave you in the dark so as to avoid having to look it in the face.

Gucci: worst website ever?

Everyone knows that the more expensive something is, the better it is. Easily extrapolated from that rule is this: the more difficult something is to get, the better it is. To that end, Gucci has decided to up the awesomeness of its products by designing what is quite possibly the cleverest worst website ever. To all you simpletons who are baffled by this sideways-scrolling masterpiece, Gucci does not want your money. So what if your mouse's scroll wheel only scrolls vertically. You will buy a new mouse! Gucci will not make its site friendly to the user; the user will make itself friendly to Gucci.

Personally, I think that Gucci.com is on the bleeding edge of a cultural revolution here. Just like we say to our parents, "Wait, you had to steal your music... from a store?" one day our children will say to us, "Wait, your Internet was... not sideways?"

Kiss wrinkles goodbye!

Whenever my skin is feeling a little dry, I like to head on over to the hospital, find the maternity ward and rub a newborn baby all over my face. But ever since the Patriot Act, suddenly you can't take babies from hospitals without causing a scene; not even the babies of wage laborers! Fortunately, RéVive has a new moisturizer that comes pretty close.

This newfangled Keratinocyte Growth Factor helps to fight such common problems as "puppet and frown lines." I'm not sure exactly what a puppet line is, but I bet it has something to do with when your mouth turns into a straight, horizontal, lipless line bisecting the two half circles that comprise it, with symptoms like not being able to eat cookies but merely chew them into tiny pieces which then fall out of the the sides of your mouth.

The instructions say to "use sparingly," but here at the Gilded Truffle, we think it's a slippery slope: first you're using your $600/ounce moisturizer sparingly, the next thing you know you're using public transportation and buying store-brand caviar. We say, slather it on. After all, you can never be too careful when combating the scourge that is "loss of facial volume." (Although, I keep getting emails for herbal remedies that promise to increase the volume of my, uh, facial... hmm... maybe that's a different sort of product.)

It's not the size of the peg leg...

Sometimes you've just got to get away from the rat race. Sometimes you're sitting in your luxury Upper East Side penthouse, and you think, "If I have to stare at these four walls any longer, I'm going to go insane." Ditto your house in Malibu, lodge in Aspen, ranch in Texas and villa in Italy. Normally, that's when you'd take to your private jet for a little R&R at 12,000 feet, but it seems that lately the sky is just overrun with airplanes. Every Tom, Dick and Harry seems to have his own personal Learjet, so where's a fella to go for some peace and quiet?

The answer: to the bottom of the ocean! These subaqueous minivans boast a degree of luxury incomprehensible to us mere surface dwellers. With your new private submarine, you can engage in all manner of leisure activities: look at pretty fishies, defeat communists, or even go treasure hunting. Although, if you really want to find some treasure, I suggest you go to the submarine store. They have eighty million of your dollars!

Audible Cowfeces

If you happen to be rich, a pedophile audiophile, and a douche then these stereo cables were custom made for you. At $7250 per 12 ft pair, these Pear Cable Anjou speaker cables are machine built and hand terminated from the finest materials such as "Teflon, air, cotton, and fully annealed 99.999% pure oxygen free Copper". These amazing materials when twisted into a new and completely unique hybrid geometry "allows new levels of sonic accuracy to be explored." You hear that? No? Well that's because you haven't actually HEARD until you've paid $7250 to hear through these cables. Pear cables uses science and big words like reactance and capacitance that testify to the accuracy of these cables. There is even a graph that shows you what you haven't yet heard. I have decided to include my own graph to demonstrate the scientific basis behind this post.



The kicker is that this company is headquartered in a house located three blocks from where I used to live. Before you decide to throw a party and invite a few dozen of your closest porpoise friends make sure you buy these.

Super-size it!

Every once in a while, rich people order their servants to dress them in dungarees and tennis shoes so they can walk down the street and mingle with the hoi polloi. And nothing makes you feel more like one of the people than munching on some junk food. However, their metabolisms aren't equipped with the proper enzymes to digest the hamburgers that the common folk eat; the metabolisms of the super-rich can only process food items that cost at least one hundred dollars. Otherwise, they get indigestion, which would probably cause the stock market to crash. How do you make a hamburger cost over $100? The same way you make mac-and-cheese and a philly cheese steak cost over $100: you add truffles to it!

You might think it's ridiculous to spend $120 on a hamburger, but that's because you've never tasted truffles. Truffles taste like rainbows dipped in butter and fried in the blood of virgin unicorns. Once you've eaten food with truffles in it, you can never eat food without truffles. Crest is actually working on a truffle-flavored toothpaste right now, so that when the rich have their teeth hand-brushed, they won't have commoner-breath and their mistresses will kiss them again.

I give bonus points to the $1000 ice cream sundae for having the audacity to not settle for such rote expensive-makers as truffles and caviar, but barrel ahead to the gold. If you think ice cream is sweet, then you've obviously never tasted the hopes and dreams of hardworking men saving up to buy their wives 23-carat gold jewelry; that stuff is delicious. Maybe next time you should just buy your wife a necklace made out of strawberries. The fact that you get to keep the crystal goblet it comes in is a nice touch. It's kind of like the rich equivalent of those glasses you used to be able to get at Burger King for 99 cents with the Flintstones on them.