Super-size it!

Every once in a while, rich people order their servants to dress them in dungarees and tennis shoes so they can walk down the street and mingle with the hoi polloi. And nothing makes you feel more like one of the people than munching on some junk food. However, their metabolisms aren't equipped with the proper enzymes to digest the hamburgers that the common folk eat; the metabolisms of the super-rich can only process food items that cost at least one hundred dollars. Otherwise, they get indigestion, which would probably cause the stock market to crash. How do you make a hamburger cost over $100? The same way you make mac-and-cheese and a philly cheese steak cost over $100: you add truffles to it!

You might think it's ridiculous to spend $120 on a hamburger, but that's because you've never tasted truffles. Truffles taste like rainbows dipped in butter and fried in the blood of virgin unicorns. Once you've eaten food with truffles in it, you can never eat food without truffles. Crest is actually working on a truffle-flavored toothpaste right now, so that when the rich have their teeth hand-brushed, they won't have commoner-breath and their mistresses will kiss them again.

I give bonus points to the $1000 ice cream sundae for having the audacity to not settle for such rote expensive-makers as truffles and caviar, but barrel ahead to the gold. If you think ice cream is sweet, then you've obviously never tasted the hopes and dreams of hardworking men saving up to buy their wives 23-carat gold jewelry; that stuff is delicious. Maybe next time you should just buy your wife a necklace made out of strawberries. The fact that you get to keep the crystal goblet it comes in is a nice touch. It's kind of like the rich equivalent of those glasses you used to be able to get at Burger King for 99 cents with the Flintstones on them.